The Saffas Guide for Surviving Winter in the UK

1) From January to March, avoid paying too much attention to the Facebook or Instagram posts made by your SA-based loved ones. They’ll be crammed with filtered selfies set against the unmistakable backdrop of the glory that is an African summer. Swimming pools. Braais. Beaches. Blue skies. Sunglasses. Sunbathing. Sundowners. Sunshine. Anything with the word sun. Just don’t go there. It will break you. It will be your kryptonite. There is no more homesick a soul than a Saffa in the dead of winter in the UK.

2) Get out of the house. Being holed up in a 150sqm space with any humanity – especially including your spouse and kids – will start to feel like an itchy rash. One that you scratch and pick until it bleeds and becomes rancid. Layer up and venture outdoors. The park. The High street. Anywhere. Take a drive if you’re too lazy or it’s pissing down. Just get out of the house. Get some fresh air. A different perspective. There’s something magical about snow, embrace the experience. If you don’t, your kids will. African laaitjies love snow. The novelty value is epic.

3) Find a local coffee spot. Where the java is good and feral animals kids are welcome. Where you can sit companionably and sip a brew amidst a throng of humans who’re also blowing frost smoke from their mouths, stemming dripping snot from their noses and clenching their buttocks together to retain some warmth within.

4) Eat good comfort food. Salads do not provide the kind of sustenance required to physically break through the months of January through March. You need clotted cream and butter. Rich and creamy sauces. Baked puddings. Pastry. Bread. Potatoes. Carbs. Real carbs. Banting be damned. Cauliflower pizza bases won’t cut the mustard, an extra thick stuffed crust just might.

5) Drink good wine. Play the grape geography game. Sample a selection of your favourite grapes from different wine-making regions around the world and rate them. Learn to pare wines with flavours. Wine can warm the cockles of the coldest heart. There’s nothing that good wine can’t fix, especially with a chunk of cheese. And it’s medicinal. Grapes are healthy. One of your five a day. And cheese is dairy. Another of your five a day.


6) Chuck away the scale. Spring is for when you have to take action against your wobblies. That’s why it’s a verb as well as a noun. Let your body have three months to build up adequate defence against the dark beast that is the British winter. Harry Potter doesn’t conquer Voldemort in the first book. He needs time and practice to master his magic. He needs to train up his co-dependent backup team comprising Ron, Hermione, the giant forest man and the owl. His balls also have to drop. This takes six more books. Have patience. Be gentle on yourself. You’re up against a massive challenge. Mother Nature is no wussy. 


7) Plan and book your European summer holiday. Get a good deal on flights and accommodation by being an early bird booker. It also gives you something to live for look forward to when you’re scraping a thick layer of ice off your windscreen with your fingernails or you’ve snoozed your phone alarm seven times because you literally cannot get out of bed to face another cold, dark and depressing day.

8) Online shopping. After the hype of Christmas is over. The New Years hangover is cured. Kids are back at school. And just when you feel all hope is gone, the retailers come to the rescue. With insane discounts and special offers. And your sales stash is delivered right to your door. No one needs to see how many cases of prosecco you’ve stockpiled or the harem pants you’re finally daring to try. Shopping releases serotonin, the happy drug. And if it’s a sale purchase, it doubles the release. Scientifically proven, I’m almost certain.


9) Binge-watch a series or five. Snuggled under the blanket on your couch, catch up on that incestuous team of medical interns and attendings at Seattle Grace Hospital, get Litt-up on Suits, or cringe at the OCD Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation. Winter on the island is built for streaming series. It’s why the internet is super fast.

10) Be social with friends. Host dinner parties. Attend dinner parties. Visit soft-plays where your kids are free to run wild and you can pretend they’re not yours. Do lunches. Brunches. Spend time in the company of others. Don’t tunnel-vision your world around your own family unit. It can’t be healthy. I’m pretty sure it’s what sets off serial killer tendencies.

Remember that this too shall pass. The bitter cold will become bog standard cold. The days will lengthen. The darkness will fade. And you’ll emerge a paler, fatter and stronger version of your former self. You will be a slight lush, mind. But then there’s always spring for detox. Or so they say. In the meantime, in the words of the ever-wise but constantly misunderstood Dory from Finding Nemo:

"Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do? 
[singing] 
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. 
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. 
What do we do? We swim, swim."

Couldn't have said it better little fish.

Fans of the Dory Shoal of Life