For knowledge, advice and reassurance, I’ve consulted the oracle of the internet every lurch along what I describe as my scenic route of motherhood. Which is basically a euphemistic way of saying that most of the time I'm lost, with no cooking clue about any of the paths I should stumble along next. I’m not built with that earth mother gene in my DNA. I find it all rather rough. All the mess and the mayhem. When my kids bleed, I want to bolt. I’m not worried about blood mind. That doesn’t faze me. Neither does any other human effluent. I just don’t like the mess. Or the stains.
I’m not a natural problem-solver either. I prefer to whine about an issue for a helluva long time before it remotely enters my head to try and solve it. It’s not ideal. It’s not very mature. It’s just how I deal. Once I’ve given a good tonk on the self-pity drum, I turn to millions of nameless, faceless individuals around the world. I turn to those who’ve experienced my drama. I turn to those who’ve found a solution. I turn to Google. And here not only do I find a plan of action, I find a space where there’s no judgment. No one who’ll call social services or question my ability to parent one child let alone three. And I don’t need to cushion my question either. I simply ask. Unflinching. Unapologetic. And with as graphic a detail as I can possibly muster. And I’m not shy when it comes to graphic. We all know that.
Do my daughter’s extreme temper tantrums suggest a brain condition? Or sociopathic tendancies?
According to my research, it’s too early to tell whether she has Oppositional Defiant disorder, which is characterised by defiant disobedient and often hostile behaviour toward adults and authority figures primarily.
So, to rephrase, basically time and more tantrums will tell.
My six year old plays with his penis. A lot. I worry he'll break it. Just how much is too much?
According to an article I read, clinical psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of Playful Parenting (Ballantine, 2001), says that you should expect that your child will play. "That way, you'll be more relaxed, nonjudgmental, and matter-of-fact when you catch him in the act."
Dr. Cohen also says. "It's crucial not to make your child feel ashamed."
Empathise with his desire to do something that feels good, but gently tell him that it is a private activity that he should do in his own room. If he is doing it constantly and seems unable to be comforted by anything else, Dr. Cohen says, consider the possibility that he's stressed, bored, lonely, or anxious.
I had to laugh at this. I am never relaxed, I'm rather judgy and to be honest the whole business does freak me out a little. But I've restrained myself from telling him to leave his bits be. I've been very diplomatic. I do know that the chap isn't stressed, bored, lonely or anxious, which is good. For me as his mother. So his constant fiddling with his willy is simply due to his male-specimen-ness. He simply can't help himself. Apparently he can't break it, either. Which is good. For him.
How common are twins after you’ve just conceived twins?
Common. If you have conceived fraternal twins already, your chance of having another set quadruples.
We avoided a train wreck then. Going from two to four children would've been a challenge I fear that neither I, nor Google, couldn't conquer.
Can you die from morning sickness?
Medically - it's not very likely. But it’s serious if you become severely dehydrated.
To me, morning sickness feels as though you are going to die. Every single minute. Of every single day. For what feels like eternity. Dying seems an attractive option if living involves heaving worse than your worst hangover every couple of hours. Sans having enjoyed the merrily pissed stage that rendered you this useless or being able to obliterate your consciousness with drugs.
Can you vomit out your foetus?
No. Despite a
I honestly believed I'd be the first case where this happened.
Can an existing c-section scar burst open with the pressure of full-term foetus?
C-section rupture is possible, but very uncommon.
At 40 weeks, I was pretty sure this would be me. I mean c'mon...
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Can you squeeze milk spots on an infant? What if you do?
No. Don’t. You can cause scarring. It’s not a pimple.
I tried to squeeze a few. I couldn't help myself. It looked bad. Especially on my newborn. And people knew I'd done it.
What happens when a three year old eats contraceptive pills?
The child may experience vomiting or diarrhoea. But will live.
Just don’t make a habit of leaving them on your bedside table. Cheap lesson that my daughter can pop pills out of their foil packaging. Cheaper lesson to ensure I always have additional contraceptives in store.
Best way to remove frozen corn stuck in a toddler’s nostril?
Wait for corn to melt, then encourage nose blowing.
And caution toddler that entire cob will sprout from nostril if such nasal-stuffing behaviour is repeated. And that this scenario applies to all vegetable, fruit or toys.
What does chicken pox look like on an infant?
Small red bumps that develop into clear fluid-filled blisters on a pink base.
It's not meningitis. Or herpes. Or any other such horrors.
Can a 6-month-old die from chicken pox?
Very unlikely. For healthy babies, chicken pox is usually more of a nuisance than a real threat to life.
Besides the concern about the threat to life - I was very disturbed by how chavvy the pox looked. I wanted to have a little badge made for him that read "I have chickenpox. I don't always look like such a minger."
Do you get more stupid after each child?
According to a Huffington Post article I found, although we may feel as though we’ve shipped our brains to the bogs after our babies come, there’s no actual science to back this up.
Robyn Stremler, assistant professor at the Lawrence S. Bloomberg Faculty of Nursing at the University of Toronto says that a lack of sleep is the easiest link to make to attribute to our feelings of porridge brain. "...If you miss out on sleep, your brain does not function as well."
Stremler points out that missing out on just a little bit of sleep over a long period of time has also shown to cause cognitive difficulties, particularly with complex "executive" brain functions (like multi-tasking, planning, taking in a lot of different pieces of information and organising them).
I was too tired to read the rest of the article and the washing needed hanging out, my child’s nappy was rank and there was a deliveryman at the door - but this makes complete sense to me. And after three kids, I’m a dimwit. So that's saying a lot.
How much wine can you actually drink when nursing?
The official advice from the NHS is that "moderation is key". Research shows that occasional drinking, such as 1-2 units once or twice a week, is not harmful to your baby while you're breastfeeding.”
I was so thrilled to read the moderation part until I actually read the moderation part. The NHS website states: "Research shows that occasional drinking, such as 1-2 units once or twice a week, is not harmful to your baby while you're breastfeeding.” A small glass of wine (125ml) glass of wine comes in at 1.5 units, a medium glass (175ml) is 2.1 units, and a large glass (250ml) is 3 units.
So I’ve exceeded my weekly wine quota by double, virtually every day.
My baby falls and hits his head a lot. Like everyday. Could he be drunk? From wine perhaps?
Apparently, minor bumps and bruises are an unavoidable part of developing motor skills and independence. As long as your child is under adult supervision and his play area is free of ungated stairs, sharp edges, and other hazards, most falls will not cause serious injury.
Also, apparently I don't drink enough wine to render him incapacitated, which could be attributed to his clumsiness. I blame the gargantuan size of noggin for his falling about. He inherited his cranium from his Dad. So I blame his Dad.
Helmets for infants?
I'm seriously considering one of these. Like seriously. They're as ugly as all hell. But so is a dented head. Not sure at this point which I'd rather deal with.
Infant ate half a tub of sudacrem. Can he die?
No. Most likely will have a sore tum and some interesting nappies.
Thank goodness for that. Mine actually ate a little more than half a tub.
So cheers to you Google. And all your help in my many times of need. I'm even ok with you profiting off selling sneaky little ads to advertisers based on my searches and the emails I send. Them bastard little cookies. It would be pointless for me to have any beef with you over privacy even if I wanted to. You've got a motherload of dirt on me. I mean literally - a motherload. I ain't gonna be messing with you oh wise and powerful one. Not any time soon. Not least until my beasties are of age, out of the house and no longer need their mother for basic survival. Until then - it's you, me and the meta-masses.
