2. Eat with gusto. Even if the Poms look on aghast, don't lose your appetite over it. No one judges a kid. It's Mom and Dad they judge. Mom worries a lot about being judged. Dad worries about pretty much nothing.
3. Dance like no one’s watching. They are. But they'll do nothing except gesture and laugh. So shake it like a Polaroid picture whenever and wherever the mood or sugar rush strikes.
4. Just like when you're ambushed by a lady doctor with a moustache brandishing an injection at the clinic, the cold is sneaky. It creeps into your bones and tries to ruin your fun. Don't give in to it.
5. Unlike the moustache doctor with the injection. The cold will not win. It can take away our sunny skies, but it can never take away our freedom. (Homage duly paid to William Wallis for Braveheart mis-quote.) Tackle the elements head-on. One layer at a time.
6. Extended aeroplane and car trips are best taken drugged. (Homage duly paid to Valagren Forte and Dr. Grumps for prescription.)
7. Sticks are the most fun ever. They can be swords or guns. They can also be sticks. Just don’t beat your little sister with one or beg to sleep with it. It’s a world of pain either way. For you. Not your sister.
8. Sticks can be fashioned into nifty fishing rods. You will however struggle to catch anything besides a plastic bag. Mom is not sure there are actual fish in the Thames. She reckons the sewerage and serial killers are to blame for this.
9. The slides in the park are intended to take abuse. Mom agrees. The other moms. Not so much. They hide their children and look away. Mom cheers and takes pictures. She sits alone.
10. Heights should never be an issue. Climb as high as your mom will let you. Then climb a little higher when she’s not looking. Wait until she’s on her phone. She’s never looking then. She's still sitting alone.
11. Trees are for climbing. Don't miss an opportunity when you spot one. Don't worry about falling either. Mom is there to catch you. It’s her job. Dad pays her. He pays for everything.
12. Swans are crafty little buggers who’re not as innocent as they look. They beg incessantly. They make hissing noises and they have very ugly black feet underneath their surface beauty. They should however be treated with respect. Mom says they can drown you with their long windy necks.
13. A ball, any ball, can be hours of entertainment. As long as you play with Dad. Mom is useless.
14. Thumbs Up and Mexican Waves must be busted out when you're instructed to pose for yet another photo. Posing to 'smile for the camera' is lame. Shake it up a little. You'll get some initial resistance. But stick with it.
15. Why walk when you can run? There’s no fun in walking. Only old people walk.
16. Booze and braais are the fundamentals of any Saffa kid’s childhood. Learn to appreciate both.
17. A love of flowers does not make you a pansy.
18. There is always time for monkey business. Just be careful with a pencil up your nose. Apparently you can poke through into your brain.
19. No self-respecting African kid leaves the house without sunnies. It’s just not done.
20. Shoes and clothes are always optional. Shoes more so. Clothes can only be removed at home. People don't like naked kids in the parks here. My sister proved this when she did a runner from Mom in the park without her nappy. We left just before the police. Mom is convinced she heard the sirens.
21. The African culture is a friendly one. We wave. We smile. We make eye contact. We understand that these gestures are unlikely to be acknowledged. This is no big matter to us. We will continue to extend them regardless. It's just how we're raised. Ubuntu and all. Viva Africa. Viva.
