My CV of Motherhood

On the 8^th of December, I’ll have been a mother for five years. I’m just out of the starting blocks really. Still a novice. Striving to acquire a set of skills in a career where the job description changes every day. Working to attain some kind of qualification in a life-long profession from which I can never retire. Even when I can’t report for duty because I’m too old to dress myself, too frail to get out of bed. Even when I have no teeth and I have long hair growing out of my long nose. I’ll still be a mother. My children may have to wipe the drool from my face, fetch my teeth, uncork my champagne and clip my nosehair… but I’ll still be their mother.

Unlike other jobs, my performance review I do on myself. I usually find areas that require massive attention and my assessment is far more regular than the standard annual review. I’m my own boss and for the most part, I’m pretty hard on myself. Failure is not an option with this job. I can’t do half-day or go freelance. I lean on my colleagues for support. My colleagues are other mothers. A sacred sisterhood tethers us; we understand each other’s fears and insecurities. Share in each other triumphs. We give everything to our jobs. We may not give all of our time. We may have sideline gigs in other companies with other bosses and colleagues. But don’t let this fool you – our hearts and minds are always invested in the most important of our jobs. Being the best mothers we can be.

If there was such a thing as a CV of Motherhood – mine would probably read something like this:

Profile:

Sally has successfully conceived child/ren. Children baked upside side both presenting Frank Breach position. Natural didn’t not come to the party in any shape or form. Successful births assisted by ludicrously well-paid professionals wielding scalpel, forceps and much-desired anesthetic.

Experience:

Weaning: has been achieved. Despite maximum chaos, unfortunate waste and frowned upon bribery with confectionary to encourage vegetable intake…. transition from liquid to solid food is mostly complete. Unless yoghurt counts neither as a solid nor as a meal. In which case, weaning still has a way to go.

Teething: Not too big a drama for either child. This may be as a result of regular administration of tranquilisers or encouraged ‘sips’ of alcohol before bedtime.

Potty training: 50% complete, notwithstanding occasional set of skidmarks or lashing of urine all over the walls. Littlest currently uses potty as a hat. Work required there.

Sleep routine: Well established. Mostly. Save for occasional nightmare or random requests at 2am to watch Cbeebies. Success in this area can most likely be attributed to the same methodology applied to teething gripes – pharmaceuticals.

Education: One child is present and can be counted at school. He is not however always able to count without incident to 20 – although does use words like “poorly” and “ridiculous” which hopefully balances things out. Also shows aptitude for art and artistic construction. Other child shows promise in letter and word recognition and reading. Both are masters in manipulation and emotional blackmail.

Physical health: Good. Conquered spinal surgery challenge. Only two courses of antibiotics (ever) for near 5 year old. None so far for 2 year old. No broken limbs. Although this is imminent with the eldest whose attempts to fly are becoming increasingly more perilous as he strives to reach greater heights.

Dental health: Drama when eldest planted his face on a wet laminate floor. Two front teeth needed attention after they turned grey. Dentist was consulted. Two front teeth are as dead as a door nail. But mercifully can stay. Youngest has sprouted set of gnashers that will most likely require attention in later years. Massive relief that orthodontic work is free for children in the UK.

Mental health: Appears ok although there is slight concern over eldest child’s fixation with beheading barbies and the youngest child’s penchant for hiding in cupboards in the dark. Continued monitoring highly suggested.

Behaviour and social aptitude: Eldest child favours independent play, shies away from attention and is happy to follow children who want nothing to do with him. His stalkerish persistent tendencies can not be dissuaded. He remains steadfast in his devotion to being rejected over and over again. Youngest seeks to be the leader and craves attention all of the time.  Regrettably neither is too afraid to launch into a fist-banging floor-thumping tantrum in the supermarket.

Special abilities: From the sublime to the ridiculous. Eldest son can watch SpongeBob SquarePants for two hours straight without breaking eye contact with the television. Youngest will cry when she can no longer see the moon while driving in the car at night.

Skills

Sally has amassed a number of skills as a mother, including, but not limited to:

Pain management. Bribery. Negotiation. Distraction. Conflict resolution. Damage control. Waste management. Medicine dispensing. Food services. Transportation services. Calendar scheduling. Hairdressing.

Potential Areas for Growth

Sally can afford to improve in the following areas of parenting:

Patience. Less use of foul language. Less hysteria. Less use of television as a form of play. Less administering of drugs. Less administering of sugar. More praise. Less ridicule and mockery. Less concern over dirt.

Conclusion

Sally is a mother to a sensitive and perceptive little boy with a kind and gentle soul. Her daughter is a confident and joyful little girl who dances when she walks. Sally began her career as a mother with no previous experience, little skill and limited knowledge. Initially she set the bar way too high. Her efforts to attain perfection in cleanliness, calm and order were constantly thwarted and she soon came to understand that these attempts were futile. She lowered the bar as she realised that perfection is not the attribute of a successful mother. A happy child is. Sally’s methods may be different. Her approach is never standard and rarely supported by the professionals, however she has her own way. She genuinely makes it up as she goes along. Sally believes in the “poke it and see” school of parenting where routine is indeed hallowed practice, but rules are mere suggestions open for interpretation and can be adapted for individual taste.

Sally will most likely never receive a glowing parenting recommendation or boast a faultless record. And she’s ok with that. Why? Because she does the best she can. Always. To her, her children are tremendous creatures of humanity. Just the way they are. A pair of happy little souls who’re loud, affectionate and slightly cuckoo eccentric at times. But who light up her life. All of the time.

Day one on the job. Meeting the bosses.