Tuesday, 4 March 2014

A Road By Any Other Name

“Taxi Professionals Direct. How can we help you?”

“Hello, I’d like to book a taxi to Stamford. From Ludford. For 6pm.” 

“No problem Ma’am. May I have your address please?”

“It’s 15 Fanny Hands Lane”

<Pause>

“Sorry Ma’am, can you repeat that please?”

“15 Fanny Hands Lane.”

<Longer pause>

“I’m sorry, but I’m struggling to hear you properly Ma’am. Could you spell your address please?”

<Big sigh>

“You heard me the first time. But all right. <Another sigh> If I must. It’s Number 15. One-five. Fanny. Err... F for Freddie. A for Alpha. N for November. N for November. Y for Yankee. Then Hands. As in part of your body. F-a-n-ny-H-a-n-d-s Lane.”

<Muffled guffaw. Whispering in the background>

“Ma’am, are you havin’ a larf?”

<Even bigger sigh>

“Just forget it. And you call yourselves professionals. Childish prat.”

<Line goes dead>

A London newspaper recently released an article entitled: The 10 Rudest Street Names in Britain. I read it. And laughed and laughed. I read it again. And then I laughed some more. I am clearly depraved and my sense of humour is in the gutter. All this we knew. But I cannot express how much joy I derived from this list. And the fact that somebody actually took the time to compile it. And it was published. And they were paid for the honour. It should win an award. A Pulitzer or something. Carte Blanche should cover it.

In South Africa we may have Glady Mazibuko Road, Khotha Mkhunya Road and an even bigger tongue-lashing Ingcunce Road….but at least these names reflect actual people and there’s some logic in their naming (well sometimes). The list below? Not so much. Well none that I can deduce anyway. But then I'm not exactly the litmus test for any powers of intellectual and contextual deduction. The subject of this post is evidence enough of this fact.

Ok, so now without further ado - I present to you the top 10 rudest street names in this little here Kingdom. In no particular order.

1. Minge Lane, Longfield
2. Slag Lane, Lowton, Lancashire
3. Fanny Hands Lane, Ludford, Lincolnshire
4. Bell End, Rowley Regis, West Midlands
5. Crotch Crescent, Marston, Oxfordshire
6. The Knob, Kings Sutton, Northamptonshire
7. Cock Lane, Farringdon, London
8. Cockshoot Close, Stonesfield, Oxfordshire
9. Cumming Street, Islington, London
10. Cock A-Dobby, Sandhurst, Berkshire

Ok, so I couldn't help myself...

“Primos Pizzas. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to order a Russian Grande please. A large. Stuffed crust. For delivery.”
“Sure thing sir, that’ll be £8.95. Can I have your address please?”
<Pause>

“Your address please sir.”

“10 Cock A-Dobby.”

"I beg your pardon?"
<Exasperated sigh. Response through clenched teeth>
“Number 10. Cock A-Dobby. Cock as in…er a rooster. A chicken. Then the letter A for Alpha. And then Dobby. D for Diamond. O for Oscar. B for Bravo. B for Bravo. Y for Yankee. Cock-A-Dobby.”

<Silence>
"Hello...are you there?"
<Muffled sounds in the background>

“Err. Um...Certainly Sir. Got it. Er. It will be with you in 30 mins. Are you paying cash or card Mr Cock A-Dobby, er, sorry. Mr Sir?

“Cash. I will be paying cash.”

“Thank you Sir.”


<Audible sound of raucous and hysterical laughter before connection is cut>

I worked at a pizza franchise taking orders over the phone when I was a student at university. I would not have been able to control myself if someone told me that their address was Cock A’Dobby. I barely could handle a 'Koekamoer" surname. With a Cock A'Dobby address, I’d most likely have to pass the phone over to a more professional staff member while I held my stomach and laughed my head off in the back room. I’d probably have got the sack. Like the time I told a customer to steer clear of the avocado paste because it wasn’t real avocado and tasted like peanut butter. This would be way worse. Wa-ay worse.

Imagine trying to sell a house with either of these street names? Agents must have to get very descriptive but remain completely vague about actual location. What a job. "Neat and impeccably presented Tudor style family home boasting well-appointed interiors and complete remodeling upgraded to a modern standard. Home is seated majestically on verdant manicured lawns with trimmed hedge borders. Located in quiet cul de sac, alongside popular park overlooking a soothing stream. Enquire within for further details. 

What the ad should read is: "Could be Kensington Palace, but it ain't going to change the fact that the street name is a blinder. Exact address could not be named. For fear of mockery and ridicule - and incessant ragging. This home will be defaced with spraypaint. Regularly. You will not be able to teach your children their home address. You will struggle to order anything online. You will forever be taunted. Steer clear of this property. God knows - we've tried. But someone's got to sell it. Sadly, that's us."

Yes. Ok I have issues. This I know. But at least I don’t live at Crotch Crescent. I could just have bigger ones. 

For now, we live in Queens Road. Nothing dodgy in that. Well certainly on the surface. But who knows what the future holds? A Fanny Hands Lane maybe, god-forbid a Bell End – or perhaps a windy little Cock Lane may be the ideal location for a dwelling to house a family of four who’re a little lot left off centre. Slag Lane….well that may take some convincing. But if the parking’s not too tight, we could be in with a chance. Time will tell. In the meantime, I’m going to read that list again. One more time.