So I recently turned 37. And I hit a wall. I’ve never been too fazed about my age. I’ve always thought it rather ridiculous the lengths people go to avoid or alter their age. If there ever was a more apt, “it is what it is” this would be it. Ageing is a natural process that’s as part of life as breathing, laughing or making those grunting noises when you bend down. I’m not hung up on the actual number. I’ve battled more with the fact that I am still clueless. I feel a little lost. Bobbing about aimlessly on a lilo in waters where lilos are not really welcome and boats are better. I’m three quarters of the way to 40 and at this stage of my life; I assumed I’d be a lot more sussed. I assumed I’d have a boat. I understood that with age and experience, comes wisdom. I’m still waiting for the wisdom. And the boat.
When I look back at what I have to show for the privilege of 37 years on this earth, it’s with some sense of accomplishment, yes. But it’s also with some liberal lashings of loser. I acknowledge that I have a wonderful family, a supportive lovely husband and three robust little ferals whom I adore. I have a network of loyal friends across far-flung corners of the globe. I have a home. I’m safe. I’m healthy. And yes, that’s a glut of good stuff and it is a helluva lot more than most. And please don’t misunderstand this as over-pampered posturing. I’m grateful for all of it. All the messy and magic moments as a mother, every time I raise a glass of wine with my husband, every time I connect with a good friend. My domestic cup runneth over. I’d hoped though that beyond the babies and the brethren, I’d have contributed more to the world by this point. I’d have found my groove. And I’d be owning it. Confident and kick-ass. I’m neither. Unconfident and ass-kicked, perhaps. But I don’t think that counts.
So when I realised that the day had arrived that marked another year of my existence, I felt less like celebrating and more like cancelling the whole birthday thing. Failure to deliver would be the reason. An able-bodied educated woman with all her faculties in most respects, has spent the better part of the last year doing nothing remarkable. Nothing remarkable at all. Bobbing about on my lilo watching the world and the big boats go by. I felt rather sorry for myself. And then guilty for feeling sorry. And on it went. A pity party that the most pathetic would be proud to attend.
And then I read something that was quoted by the rector of a school in South Africa. A school that’s close to our family. The rector was quoting words written apparently by Pope Francis (although the Vatican know nothing about it). The words were spoken at the recent funeral of a pupil named Themba Dlota, a bright young star who died in a tragic bus accident on his way to play football. Just like that. A young man with a future filled with promise who is now gone. And suddenly, measuring myself up against an imaginary milestone and coming up short seemed ridiculous. And moaning about it even more so.
“This life will go by fast. Don’t fight with people, don’t criticise your body too much, don’t complain too much. Don’t lose sleep over your bills. Look for the person that makes you happy. If you make a mistake, let it go and keep seeking your happiness. Never stop being a good parent. Don’t worry so much about buying luxuries and comforts for your home, and don’t kill yourself trying to leave an inheritance for your family. Those benefits should be earned by each person, so don’t dedicate yourself to accumulating money. Enjoy, travel, enjoy your journeys, see new places, give yourself the pleasures you deserve. Allow dogs to get closer. Don’t put away the fine glassware. Use the new dinnerware; don’t save your favourite perfume, use it to go out with yourself; wear out your favourite sport shoes; repeat your favourite clothes. So what? That’s not bad. Why not now? Why not call now? Why not forgive now? We wait so long for Christmas; for Friday; for Reunions; for another year; for when I have money; for love to come; when everything is perfect…look… Everything perfect doesn’t exist. Human beings can’t accomplish this because it simply was not intended to be completed here. Here is an opportunity to learn. So take this challenge that is life and do it now…love more, forgive more, embrace more, love more intensely." *
Reading that was a revelation for me. And a much-needed kick up the arse. It was also motivation to live with more gratitude and less grouchiness. I'm going to make more of an effort to be grateful for everything, really. But most importantly for life. The beautifully uncoordinated chaos that is my life.
Oh and I'm also going to start looking after my lilo. Who needs a bloody boat anyway. And if that's not wisdom, I don't know what bloody is.
 |
| Not me. Not my lilo. But a good pic for my point. Image credit: Surfdome
* I edited out some of the religious stuff. It's my blog. I can do that.
|
